7 Unexpected Things That Have Happened Since I Got Engaged

Although September 8, 2015 – the day I went from girlfriend to fiancee – was seven months ago, it doesn’t quite feel that way. Sometimes it feels like I’ve been engaged for foreverrrr. And on other days, it feels like it was just yesterday. Either way, there are a few things that I’ve felt, learned, or experienced in these past seven months that were rather unexpected.

I’m ALWAYS Worried My Ring Will Slip Off My Finger Into a Gutter

You know when you first paid for your own phone and anytime you walked over a gutter you would clench it more tightly than your edges so that it wouldn’t fall through the cracks? I’ve been stuffing my hands in my pockets while walking around because I’m deathly afraid that my slightly loose ring will fall off into the sewer and be forever gone. I’m being stubborn about getting my ring resized because 1. I was sized by the jeweler beforehand and 2. I am claiming that I won’t be spending much longer in cold temperatures, and I don’t want my ring to be too tight when I’m in a warmer environment. I really just need to go ahead and buy some ring insurance, but then again…

Sometimes I Forget to Wear My Ring

I’m gonna blame this on the fact that I work from home both as a grad student and a blogger, so days can go by without me leaving the house. When I do go somewhere, especially if it’s just to run a quick errand like going grocery shopping, I’ve been known to venture out without my engagement ring. Is that bad? I feel like it doesn’t fully honor the commitment Bae made to me by proposing, but then again…

I’ve Had Several Identity Crises

I’ve really struggled to reconcile my identity as an individual person with my identity as a person attached to someone else. I’m an African feminist – meaning I try to be like Chimamanda but I also was raised by parents desperately trying to hold onto their culture in a foreign land – a culture where dowries and bride prices exist, and women can be “sent back” to their parents’ home if their husband is unhappy. Pretty much I’m as feminist as can be while also respecting (most) of my Nigerian cultural traditions.

That said, I’ve been bothered by three identity issues: First, the last name debate – in the back of my mind, I assumed that I would change my last name socially and legally, but keep it professionally to maintain continuity with my published research in public health. This made lots of sense to me, but after talking to my fiance and some family members, not everyone feels the same way.

Secondly, my mom has been sliding me nuggets of wisdom in preparation of this venture called marriage, and I love that we’ve gotten even closer during this time. But when she tells me to cook the future mister rice rather than quinoa if he prefers it, I can’t help but feel that he should cook his darn self rice if he doesn’t want quinoa! I just feel like there’s a really fine line between doing something for someone because you love them (aka making rice because I know he likes it), and doing something because its what you’re expected to do as a woman and a wife. I’m not here for the latter.

Third, the whole becoming someone else’s daughter thing really threw me off while I spent Christmas in Kenya. Though I am VERY grateful for having future in-laws that are incredibly kind and welcoming, it made me feel weird to have people who were not my parents and not my kindred refer to me as “their daughter”. It made me feel like once married, I would no longer be a member of my family, but would join someone else’s. Speaking of being joined…

I Still Don’t Have a Wedding Date

If getting married was just about me, I would be walking down the aisle in roughly two months. But alas, I have NO idea when we will ALL be getting married, because it really is a joining of two families for us. I know that some people choose to elope or have their families minimally involved in their weddings, but J and I (ooh I like that) made a conscious decision to include our families and their opinions as much as possible. Since we’re coordinating different personalities, schedules, and even time zones, it has proven to be a much slower wedding planning process than I planned. Even still…

I Spend Hours on Pinterest Planning For No Reason

Though I have no date in sight, that doesn’t stop me from staying up until 4 in the morning every once in a while scouring Pinterest for color, dress, cake, flower, and all sorts of other inspiration. I mean, my Pinterest board is POPPING. *hint hint, follow me* Hopefully this means that once we actually settle on a date, the planning/execution will go smoothly since I pretty much have it all figured out. However…

J is Way More Invested in This Wedding Than I Expected

I’ve been VERY surprised that my fiance has been really invested into certain details about the wedding. Anyone who knows the guy knows he’s extremely laid back and go with the flow, so when he turned down my initial purple and blue color scheme, I looked at him like he had two heads! From colors to cake to groomsmen attire, J has had a lot of opinions about the wedding, which makes me really happy because it shows that we’re both equally excited about it. Now we just gotta figure out where this money is gonna come from…

I’ve Saved Over $15,000

Man nothing will get your behind into savings mode quicker than hearing from a venue that the price per head is ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY DOLLARS. In New Jersey. Like without the cost of flowers. And a DJ. And suya… because there WILL be suya at my wedding. Since September I’ve gone into overdrive with saving, working three part-time jobs last semester and putting the earnings from two directly into savings, and now I’m living with my parents in NJ (thanks guys!) while AirBnBing my Harlem apartment to save all my rent money. So far I’ve saved over 15 grand from just these two things, which I think is pretty impressive for someone whose primary income is a graduate student stipend. Weddings are incredibly expensive, but J and I have been working together to ensure that we do not go into debt, do not overburden our families, and have money for life after the wedding… you know that part that matters.

I’ll continue to keep you guys posted about my engagement and wedding journey!

All photos by Rich Allela of Rich Allela Photography, Nairobi Kenya.