Y’all. This right here is a story about why you should avoid all detox teas like the plague, and why people who promote detox teas really should not be trusted. They don’t want you to succeed. They are when Cady gives Regina the Kalteen bars that “made the African babies lose weight”. Except detox teas don’t make you gain weight. They just make your life a living hell.
How I Got Wrapped Up in the Detox Tea Scheme In the First Place
So one of those tea companies emailed me with the good old “we’ll send you free product and you can promote it with an affiliate code and make $” a while back. I need to write a separate post about my love/hate relationship with affiliate marketing, but let me stay on track. I responded that they could send over the tea but I had to try it first before promoting – hence, I couldn’t make any promises.
That tea came in May and completely forgot about it. In fact, it was sitting at my parents house for months, until they brought it over to my new place two weeks ago. My fitness level has been shameful all summer, so I’ve gotten a bit thicker by filling my
soul stomach with carbs since I no longer eat meat (for the most part). Combined with the realization that my birthday was coming up next month that would push me over the second half of my twenties, and an acceptance of the fact that my metabolism is no longer what it was in high school, I decided to try out my detox tea.
This particular program calls for drinking Tea A every day in the morning, and Tea B in the evening of alternating days. So day 1 rolls around and I drink Tea A. Day 2 comes and I drink Tea A in the morning and Tea B in the evening. Nothing happens. I do the same for days 3 and 4, which brings me to day 5 – a Thursday.
All Downhill From Here
On Thursday I get up, my tummy feeling a bit weird, but I was in a rush so didn’t sit on the toilet. I didn’t have time to take Tea A – I took the train super early into NYC, and then got on the LIRR, where I was headed to a hair appointment. Shortly after pulling out of Penn Station, my stomach turned upside down and I decided to go to the bathroom. This ensued:
There are few things worse than having whack one ply toilet paper after your bowels have just exploded in a public restroom (on a moving train at that!) but I had to get myself together because I had a phone call with a client in a few minutes. Back at my seat, I made my phone call – still feeling like I needed to run to the bathroom again. Being distracted by my discomfort, I got off at the wrong train stop. The next train wasn’t going to be for another hour, so I would miss my hair appointment.
Even more embarrassing, I got off at the LIRR employee only facility, so I had to be escorted to the bathroom (ya know, cuz I had to go again). What’s worse than one-ply TP is having a bowel crisis when someone is waiting for you at the door, because you’re technically trespassing on federal (municipal? idk) property.
Now pissed, I ventured back into NYC and tried to eat something to calm my intestines down. I essentially spent the next 5 hours thinking I had to go to the bathroom, going to the bathroom, or lamenting that I’d just gone to a public bathroom. Did I mention that I also had a blogger event to go to that evening? It was NOT a good day. What’s even worse is that it took my body about a week to adjust back to normal – I was unable to go for a few days, then was severely constipated. The detox tea not only threw off my digestive system, but also my life.
They Don’t Want You To Be Great
Listen. The next time you see somebody post about one of these teas, UNFOLLOW THEM. They are lying, thieving fools who have absolutely NO concern for your health or ability to function on a daily basis.
But me? I’m not a LIAR like some of these other folks on the intanets. I don’t want you to miss your hair appointments or have diarrhea on mass transportation, so I’m urging you to avoid all detox teas. If you have any, throw them away. Drink water with lemon and get the Sworkit app and get your body moving.